Notice some details which give away the fact I am in fact an Internet Poker Player:

• a 604poker.com hat
• at least 4 days of beard-growth
• a minimum of two monitors
• Bill Fillmaff's Secret System website on screen
• yellow teeth (I hope that's just the camera)
• a thumbs-up indicating I have yet today to receive the inevitable multiple unending Bad Beats from the luck-sac tards that populate my poker tables
• but most important of all - a Happy-Go-Lucky attitude!

I have no idea what that weird ball-like growth is coming out of my wrist, ignore that

*All* of these factors are critical for success at Internet Poker (except maybe the ball-like growth)! Let's move right on...

Here is a picture of my desk and surroundings. Note how relatively clean it is. It is lacking the most of the typical items around a internet freak's desk like: half-eaten bags of potato chips (who are we kidding - every last crumb would be gone), crumpled cans of Coke, pizza place phamplets, webcams, Lord of the Rings posters, and pictures of half-naked famous women whom the freak will never meet outside of a comic book convention.

Anyway, it is always important for a Master Craftsman like me to have the proper tools on hand for a job - like a keyboard, mouse, a minimum of two monitors, relevant cords and cables, and pictures of half-naked famous women whom I will never meet outside of a poker convention.

Although I have two monitors, a true Internet Poker Player it always itching for more MORE MORE! I one day hope to upgrade to *six* monitors like here:

(Note the ONE table per monitor! It doesn't get more efficient that that!)

Or perhaps I could move to a more cutting edge set-up like:

Or even to something like this Bad Boy!

We all can dream to have a brand new Tandy 286 and a glass bottle of Coke! Features include a 12" monitor, a 2.5" floppy drive (just one) and a completely square mouse. Anyway, let's get out of the dream world and back to what I do have.

Even though we are moving towards a virtual reality (can't move fast enough for those World of Warcraft addicts. I mean, honestly, who spends twelve hours a day trying to earn a virtual gold piece while not even earning a penny IRL?) there are apparently these 3-D websites you can hold in your hands called "books". As far as I know, they are always on-line and every page of these 3D websites are right there one after another! And NUMBERED too! Crazy.

Anyway, I have a number of these "book" thingees and it turns out that these can be very useful for the budding Internet Poker Player!

Take a good look at these books. They are a virtual cornucopia of poker wisdom. In fact, two of the most critical, important, and ground-breaking poker books for an wannabe Internet Poker Player are right there in the picture! Can you pick them out? That's right, "Bad Beats and Lucky Draws" by Phil Hellmuth and "Trump: The Art of the Deal" by Donnie What-His-Name.

And, sitting on the top of the poker-book heap, both literally and figuratively is Phil Hellmuth's "Playing Poker Like the Pros". I must say it has a very special place in my heart, for when I was most in my time of need struggling as an young Internet Poker Player, this book was right there to fit under the back left leg of my desk to level out the surface. Thank you PHIL HELLMUTH, JUNIOR!

Here we have two more important tools in the Internet Poker Player's belt. His tool belt so to speak. We have a "calculator" and a World Poker Tour season 2 DVD set.

The calculator is extremely handy to have at your fingertips while playing Internet Poker because it enables you to easily calculate things like: the chances of the frickin' sloth-toed neanderthal at the other end of the Internet sucking out on you *again*, the percentage chance of your monitor surviving a drop out your window, and the numbers of keys on your keyboard still operating after you smash your fist into it. Those things are tough to calculate in between hands.

Also very important is the World Poker Tour Season 2 DVD set. This set has taught me (an Internet Poker Player) things like:

• success at a WPT final table is contigent on: wearing cool glasses that you find in a cracker-jack box, yelling really loudly when you win a hand, and qualifying for the event in a $0.10 sub-sub-sub satellite qualifier *for* a WPT qualifier.
• Shana Hiatt's talents include holding two cards in her right hand while tilting her head, and
• WPT DVD's fly on average 12 feet further than regular movie DVD's (contrary to it's name, the Rounders DVD doesn't roll any farther upon landing).

Coming as a freebie with the WPT DVD's was a set of my very own WORLD POKER TOUR PLAYING CARDS! I'm sure this very deck was used at a WPT final table and probably helped an Internet Poker Player knock out a "pro" player like Daniel Negreanu! Surely they wouldn't mass produce WPT playing cards for distribution, would they?

Note these are Offical "Bee" playing cards, none of that KEM plastic crap for the WPT cards!

Wow I just noticed the spade straight-flush! A sign, n'est pas?

Everyone knows that music helps us humans get through the long day. Especially crticial to the Internet Poker Player, a radio/CD player is mandatory equipment, unless you want to listen to illegally downloaded MP3's through your $4.99 Wal-Mart computer speakers. And no one does that, especially me so back TF off RIAA.

Anyway, let's take a look at what CD I am currently listening to to help me through the days and nights of forced socialization with the Internet Poker Player's mortal enemies: the Homo Habilus' that occupy the other 9 seats on the Interweb poker table.

It looks like I have Offspring's "Smash" CD in there!

Offspring's CD certainly helps an Internet Poker Player through the long, ardous hours of folding T3 offsuit for the millionth time. It's filled with inspiring songs. Let's take a closer look at the CD and some of the relaxing songs.

Bad Habit

Come out and play

Gotta Get Away

I dunno about you, but it's almost as if Offspring read the soul of the Internet Poker Player years before there was any of us!

Of course, I have an extensive library of relaxing, soothing music CD's Like: Guns N Roses, Green Day, Prodigy, Metallica, Oasis, and "The Punisher" soundtrack. "The Punisher" is my hero. You know that guy took a Bad Beat in his past.

Of course, no self-respecting, world class Internet Poker Player would ever be caught without poker chips to shuffle non-stop even outside of a casino or home game. As you can see these chips aren't your everyday cheap-ass Costco chips, they are authentic straight-from-Vegas real casino chips complete with the grime of the tables and germs of the less-than-hygenic drunk gamblers that play in Vegas. Good times!

Hold on a second here. I just noticed something. What's that on the wall, above and to the right of my monitor? Let's take a closer look.

*Cue the CSI music* Well that appears to be some sort of circular damage in the wall, possibly from some sort of plastic round item. The colouring appears to be a of a blue-ish hue.

Well, what do you think? Do we have the culprit right here? A $1 Treasure Island poker chip? With the amount of damage in the wall, it looks like it was hurled from close quarters at quite a speed. Now that's a chip-trick you can only learn from an Internet Poker Player!

So yes, I have a little temper problem. It's what keeps me at the top of the Internet Poker Player heap. It's outbursts like that why I have drugs on hand at all times - Contac C Extra Strength Daytime to be specific. Warning: May cause misclicks due to shaking hands.

Additionally I keep an item specifically to take my stress out on, to keep damage to equipment and surrounding furniture to a minimum.

No it's not that squishy stressball above, it's something a lot heavier, more resilient, and furrier.

The picture was taken shortly after a kick to the ribs. A light one, I promise.

The cat recovered almost instantly. He's been kicked harder. That'll learn him to curl up on my lap when some Cro-Magnon thinks his nine-trey of purple horsehoes is good enough to call me with all the way. ALL THE WAY!

This is one of those ergonomic things you are supposed to rest your wrists on when typing... to reduce that carpal-tunnel BS. However, I've found the best way to reduce carpal tunnel is to NOT HAVE A JOB WHERE YOU TYPE 9 HOURS A DAY! A tip for you Swingline-stapler, Office Space folks out there.

Note this stress pad is nearing the end of it's life. The cloth is tearing, spongy gel is coming off the plastic base, even the plastic base is broken in two pieces. You would *think* that this supposed "stress pad" could withstand multiple beatings against the wall, but it can't. The warranty guy even told me that it wasn't covered because the damage didn't occur through "everyday use". I said, "Come to my house, you will see that smashing it against the wall is indeed everyday use when those rat-bastids crack your aces for the SECOND GODAMMNIT TIME with four-duece!" He hung up on me.

I have two phones handy at all times. The Suicide Prevention Helpdesk is on speed dial in case of a *REALLY* bad beat.

Also a phone can be useful for chatting with other Internet Poker Players at my poker table. Honestly, with cheating Internet Poker Players at your table, and online poker being rigged how can the wee lil' fishies ever survive to maturity! Mwahahaha!

Of course, when on the phone chatting with another Internet Poker Player I use proper phone etiquette like, "O. M. G. R. O. F. L. U. C. THAT? IDIOT FISHY WAS D. O. A. 2 MY S. T. R. 8 L. O. L."

Well, that just about wraps it up. I hope you enjoyed the mystical journey into an Internet Poker Player's secret lair! Let me sign off with a tribute picture to everyone's favourite poker player, Worldwide Poker Champ Bill Fillmaff! I highly recommend studying his expert play.

SPECIAL BONUS SECTION! While working on this ground-breaking article, 604poker.com's Managing Partner, Mike, sent me this pic. See if you notice any ways Mike can improve in his quest to be an Internet Poker Player!

For Review - Critical features of an Internet Poker Player:

• a 604poker.com hat
• at least 4 days of beard-growth
• a minimum of two monitors
• Bill Fillmaff's Secret System website on screen
• yellow teeth (I hope that's just the camera)
• a thumbs-up indicating we have yet today to receive the inevitable multiple unending Bad Beats from the luck-sac tards that populate our poker tables
• but most important of all - a Happy-Go-Lucky attitude!